Monkey vs. Cat

Dear Cat,
I really thought we had something special. I thought you were different. But you played me and betrayed me and I shall never forgive you. I thought you and I, though strangers at first, creatures from different worlds, could put aside our differences and develop a bond...a friendship even, in a heartwarming tale of overcoming prejudice and finding love in unlikely places, where all characters are changed for the better in the end. In the movie version I would be played by Dame Judy Dench and you would be played by a cat. But you had different plans, didn't you, Cat? You took advantage of my open heart and you tore it to bits between your stupid cat paws like you did that leaf that you thought was a mouse.

We are done, Cat. We are done. So stop staring at me and mewing and jumping up onto my leg like my jeans are a scratch post. The act that you committed last night has severed any feelings of warmth I ever had for you. I shall not look upon you ever again, unless it's to sneeze on you.

your former friend and confidante,
Monkey

You might be thinking this is a bit harsh. You might be thinking he's just a Cat, he couldn't possibly have done what he did on purpose. But you'd be wrong. That's just him with his big Cat eyes and his soft Cat nose working his Cat voodoo on you. I can prove it.

It all began when we were asked to sit on, sorry, sit for the Cat of the couple whose place we are staying and who Jim works for, as they were going away for a week. I was hesitant at first; flashbacks of a younger me suffering through sleepover parties at the houses of cat owners with red swollen itchy eyes and uncontrollable sneezing fits flashed before my eyes. But it soon became clear that we'd be stuck with the little fucker regardless of my personal apprehensions. My anti-cat sentiments stretch beyond that of just my allergies. There was the oh so traumatizing incident in which I was molested by a female cat in heat. She humped my leg. Who knew that cats hump. Anyway I've only hated cats more and more since then.

So naturally when this Cat came into our little happy home my initial inclination was to avoid him at all costs, make hissing noises at him any time he looked at me, and threaten him with a butter knife when no one else was watching. But slowly he weaseled his way into my good graces. It started with just a few cute little nuzzlings, then I found myself scratching his soft head, and soon I was inviting him into my lap. He really got to me when Jim mentioned the Cat outbursts he would have when he thought no one else was watching. It's like cat law that he act proper and proud and calm and collected in front of humans, but when he thinks no ones there he lets his inner animal out. So we were pretending not to watch him from across the room, when he started attacking things on the floor that weren't actually there and pouncing on the legs of the ping pong table. Then he bravely jumped up onto the railing, the drop off of which on one side goes down to the first floor. Usually he handles this with the agility that all cats possess, but this particular time he jumped onto Jim's shirt that was draped over the railing, and started sliding off in the direction of the one story drop off. I've never seen a cat more panicked. He was clawing frantically at the unstable shirt, as it slid off the railing, eyes flashing desperately in the moonlight. Jim and I were frozen with shock. (For me also a bit of sick pleasure). Finally Cat managed to find his footing on the railing as the shirt shot off beneath him and plummeted to the ground. But Cat was so obviously scarred and embarrassed from the incident that my ice cold heart began to thaw.

At first, the thought of him sleeping in our bed was absolutely appalling. Then a night of him crying and pawing at the door...can't we just let him in for a little bit? I'll take the allergy medicine and I'll be fine. But Jim said no. Then a night where Jim left the door open a crack during a trip to the toilet, and uh oh Cat's in the bed. I had to watch as Jim literally tore him from the room, Cat's nails dug stubbornly into the duvet. Then finally Jim said maybe he could stay in the room with us. I stood up for Cat. I was on his side. Despite the fact that after 5 minutes of Cat in the bed I felt like my entire face needed to be scratched off and I couldn't breathe, I was willing to suffer through it. Then when Jim got back from the bathroom, perhaps he was struck by the need to protect me, and keep me healthy, perhaps he was overcome with jealousy at seeing me in bed with another man, either way, it was decided that Cat must go. So out he went, kicking and screaming. We snuggled into bed at last, turned the light off and said our goodnights. Then suddenly out of the darkness we heard the disturbing and unmistakable sounds of throwing up. Followed immediately by the unmistakable smells of regurgitated cat food. Jim was up instantly in a storm cloud of fury, which got even worse when he turned the light on, and spotted the Cat puke placed precisely in, on, and around his shoes. Cat had somehow sneaked back into the room after being thrown out, done his duty on Jims shoes, hid under the bed, and then ran away laughing!

Well you just don't mess with Jim. Especially when he's tired. Especially when it involves his shoes. Jim thundered up the stairs, curses I've never even heard, spilling from his mouth, and proceeded to chase Cat around with a heavy object (was it a pot?) in hand. You might think its difficult to come off threatening when one's in naught but their birthday suit, but he was scary. I assure you. I'm not entirely sure what happened up there that night, I knew it was a battle to be fought between the two of them so I kept my distance (and frantically flooded the air in our room with Glade, until the scent of Clean Linen hung thick like a fog, and the scent of digested fake salmon was just memory). I don't even know who won. Perhaps both of them lost a little bit of their dignity. But I do know that Jim got to sleep in the bed, and Cat spent the night outside on the roof where the little shit belonged.

Cat could have puked anywhere. Its a big place. He has a litter box. But he carried out his cold and calculated revenge with the swiftness and precision of one who knows what they are doing. A puke wielding sniper. A trained assassin. And that's why I will never again give a cat a chance to be my friend. You can't trust them. And they are evil. But look at his little nose and how he stretches and his tiny little ears. But no! I must resist. Awww he's licking his paw.

Erroneous! The important thing is that its now official and proven that no matter what country you're in or how sweet and cute they appear to be, cats suck.