Monkey Fun Fact of the Day

#301. Monkeys are at their best when they are 37 years old.

How to Greet a Monkey

I'd like to discuss a very important current affairs issue that has been troubling me for quite sometime. It is a cause that is very dear to my heart because it effects me personally. This issue of course is the uncontrollable epidemic of shouldishakeaphobia (or "the fear of improperly greeting another"). People the world over are destroying first impressions, ruining friendships, going on dates that are D.O.A. all because they can't decide between a full hug, a bro hug, or a chest bump, and end up performing a combination of the three. These situations can be traumatic and life threatening. But as someone who has suffered with this ailment all her life, allow me to take this time to say friends, there is hope. There may never be a definite cure for shouldishakeaphobia but if we all can try to understand this disease, we can learn to cope with it and live our lives without the constant red-faced shame of having gone in for a hug when the other was going for a hand shake and then backed off to handshake while the other stumbled into an unwanted hug. We can beat this! And now that I am a world traveled culturally adept Monkey, I find myself humbly assuming the position of Expert in this particular field. Stay with me while I outline the most popular forms of greetings and attempt to describe the proper circumstances in which they are used.

Let us begin with the simplest and most foolproof greet: The Handshake.

The Handshake is used best when meeting someone for the first time, but will also suffice in the following circumstances: the person is an old acquaintance with whom you are not that close; the person has some personal hygiene issues of which you have been previously made aware; they are your date and she looks great from a distance but you're afraid up close she'll be a dog; the person is your parole officer; you're sealing a deal; you're doing a drug deal; you're 12 years old, having a sleepover party with a friend, you've both just cut your palms with a kitchen knife and are totally promising to be blood brothers and best friends for life (which may not be long because now you've got the hiv); you really hate the other person and you've just had your hand down your pants; the person is your father whom you're meeting for the first time in your life and he looks a bit creepy; the person is your touchy feely uncle who usually grabs your ass when you hug; the person is your gynecologist (...although you know where his/her hands have been all day so avoid contact if possible, same goes for your touchy uncle, now that I think of it). The Handshake is also useful in a situation you are completely unsure of because it can transition quite painlessly into some of the other possible greets, such as...

The Hug. Hugs are nice but lets be honest you better really fucking like the person in order to commit to this much direct contact. If used in conjunction with The Handshake, the Hug should be performed with the arm that is not involved with the Handshake. One tap on the back will constitute a Bro Hug (more on this later) or you can hold it out for a real hug if the other person is not showing signs of desperately trying to pull away.

The Bro Hug. If you are a Bro and you are greeting another Bro, this is the greet for you. Let us take a minute to outline the required steps, so there is no confusion. Step 1: Approach Bro with right hand outstretched and shout something like "Brooooo!" or "Homo!" or "Look at this fuck!" Step 2: Meet hands with the Bro in a slap that moves quickly into a grasp that is the same position you'd assume if you were about to thumb war. Step 3: Left hand reaches around Bro's back where you slap him once and only once (We're not Gay Bro). Step 4: Exit Bro Hug immediately. You don't want anyone to see you engaged in contact for more than 2 seconds. With those 4 easy steps, you can be Broing it up in no time! Unsure if you or the person you're greeting is a bro or not? Stay clam, look around, assess the situation, ask yourself the following: Are you/him wearing a striped American Eagle Polo shirt, a faux vintage tee-shirt with with a pun about beer or sex on it, cargo shorts, or pre-distressed denim? Do you/him always find a way to relate conversation to an episode of South Park? Have you/him ever engaged in a keg stand for more than 20 seconds? Do you/him know the rules of Beer Pong better than the rules of Tic Tac Toe? If any or all of these things are the case, you/him are most likely a Bro. Let the Bro Hugging commence.

Note: A Bro Hug should never under any circumstance be committed by a straight female. Unless she never wants to get laid again.

Let's take a quick break and hear a testimonial!

"Bro Hug Horror Story"
"Hey Bros, My name is F*** S***. As the acting president of Phi Data Alpha Omega Shere Khan, I've done my fair share of bro hugging. In fact, I had pretty much perfected the art. Unfortunately the Bro Hug had become so ingrained in my psyche, it started to take over my life. I was fine for the 8 months out of the year that I was living on campus at U**** and the only people I came in contact with over the age of 22 were my professors. (And that wasn't very often, not gonna lie bro). It was the time spent off campus: Thanksgiving, Christmas, even Summer break, when I began to realize I had a problem. First my grandmother spat out her false teeth when my Bro Hug back slap hit her scoliosis and osteoporosis ridden spine too hard on Christmas Eve. Then my girlfriend at the time dumped my ass after I Bro Hugged her mom when meeting her for the first time. The final straw came when my cousin Jenny filed a restraining order against me when I managed to Bro Hug her 4 month old baby on Easter Sunday. Finally I was able to admit to myself that I needed help. Thanks to the support and advice from TMM, I am now able to regulate my use of the BroHug to an appropriate and controlled manner. Thanks, Bro!"

And thank you, F*** S***!

Now, moving on...

It is finally that time. The time we have all been dreading. The time to discuss the cheek kiss. If you are living in America (or any other country that values personal space above all else) you are fortunate enough to be a part of a society that outlawed the cheek kiss along with terrorism and French foods back in 2000. However if you're an American living in a European society (let's say an English one, for sake of argument), you will feel bemused, bewildered, and utterly bamboozled by the constant onslaught of people launching themselves at your cheek. If you don't learn to except and adhere to this practice you will quickly become less wanted in the country than say, Snoop Dogg or Australians. You must embrace it, and accept the fact that more often than not, you're going to get it wrong. There are so many different variations of the cheek kiss that its almost impossible to be on the same page as the other person. There is instant panic while you decide which cheek to go for first. Do you actually kiss the cheek or just touch cheeks and kiss the air? How many kisses do you do? Do you hug while you cheek kiss? Do men cheek kiss? How familiar should you be with someone before you cheek kiss them? These are all good questions. And fuck if I know the answers.

Monkey Fun Fact of the Day

#53. All Monkeys are inexplicably allergic to domesticated cats (lions and tigers and stuff are cool).

Sightings

Monkey + Gorillaz + Dennis Hopper

Monkey Fun Fact of the Day

#629. Monkeys enjoy Monkey Brain Stew just as much as you and I.

Sightings

Monkey Puzzle Tree(wtf?)


The Drunken Monkey
(trendy)


Monkfish(not trendy)


Morley's Fried Chicken
(Looks like "Monkey's")
(Looks like it says "Monkey's" as in "Monkey's Fried Chicken" not looks like there are monkeys involved in any other way)
(still a bit racist?)


Monky

Monkey Fun Fact of the Day

#342. Although Monkeys are ashamed of masturbating in public, it is the only way they can successfully get off.

A Poem

Here is a poem. Any resemblance to real people, places, or things is unintended and completely coincidental.

Hey, Boss Lady
A Poem

Hey hey hey Boss Lady,
look at you
With your shoes
You're the Big Bad Boss
and you're a lady
and I support that.

No.....No
Just a pint
and even if I was
it don't matter
cuz
I gotta say what I gotta say
Boss Lay-day

You, you, you
just don't appreciate
me, moi, myself... I
you strut around
"I'm the boss, look at me"
and you don't care...
about me.

or the Environment!
With your Range Rover Sport
and your weekend trips to Spain
and and and
your Range Rover Sport

You can't keep on in-
infiltrating me-
in-infuriating me...
INFERIOR...ating me.
because I am a human being
and I have NEEDS.

So thats why...i QUIT!
You can take your green energy
shit and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
I know how much you like things
UP YOUR ASS!
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I QUIT!!

I QUIT.

I Quit...

...i quit...

...i quit?....

oh shit.

Monkeys On Wheels

In London, as in most cities presumably (except LA) there are various forms of transportation at one's disposal. Taking into consideration my financial status, knowledge of the city or lack thereof, proximity to areas of interest, and phobia of being in enclosed places with strangers, I will now take this opportunity to rate the different ways of getting around the city, in order of "desperately avoided" to "awesome."

#10. Driving.

Don't. Can't. Won't.










#9. Running.
Uggggggggggggggg.

#8. Rickshaw.
Probably more expensive and less private than a taxi, and well if you're actually considering taking one, and you don't live in a city in China where this type of thing is normal, you're just an asshole. Try walking, you lazy prick.

#7.Walking.
Even if you're not in heels, even if your destination is less than an hour away, even if you have a printed map of the route or GPS, even if you're not carrying a fallen comrade on your hip, it's just so much...effffooorrtttt. It's been a long day, and you're tired. Call a cab, mate, you deserve it.

#6. Cabs.
Taxis are towards the bottom of the list for shear reason of cost. Yes, they are private, spacious, smell like Pine-Sol, and have a great soundtrack that includes all the hits of the 80's, 90's, and today. But these are luxuries that simply don't outweigh the fact that for the price of an average cab ride home, I could have stayed out and bought at least 4 more drinks. 4! For this reason, taxis should be kept as a final option and used only in the following circumstances: you are bringing home a new lady friend that you have just met at the pub (it's late and she's probably close to passing out, so take advantage of the sizable back seat and get a blowie while you still can), you have been given an offer to share the cab with someone that has more money than you (you'd do the same if you were rich), you are rich, its too late for the tube and the night bus scares you, you would walk or bike but you don't own an iphone, you would walk or bike but you're too drunk to bike and not drunk enough to walk, you were walking home and you got run over by a cabbie who then offered you a free ride in exchange for your silence. Any other taxi usage is impractical and simply unacceptable. Save yourself the hassle of trying to negotiate price with someone whose only English is "40 pounds," and take a bus.

#5. Bus.
If you can handle the inevitable horror of having a stranger sit directly next you just barely touching your leg with theirs, the bus is a convenient and cost efficient option. For just £1.20 (or is it £1.90?) on your Oyster Card you will enjoy a 30-90+ minute ride where the slow pace and the constant stopping will give you the opportunity to see the sights of the city as well as giving you motion sickness (or is that the smell). You will feel like your life is in danger at least once, but you will most likely arrive at your destination unscathed (unless you happen to have boarded the same bus as the Peckham Terminator™). And you'll feel pretty good about yourself for having saved a bit of money, if you can overlook the sudden desire to get in your bed, hide under the covers, and call your mom as soon as you exit the bus. Don't think you can stomach it? There's always the Underground.

#4. The tube.
It looks confusing, it's sometimes hot and crowded, you run the risk of being sprayed in the face by someone on a train with a fire extinguisher while you're waiting on the platform, and it's not always running. But it's really not all that confusing, it's faster than a bus and less exhausting, and when it's running, it's convenient. However if you're afflicted with a fear of enclosed underground spaces, a fear of subway musicians, or just want some fucking exercise, get a bike.

#3. Cycling.
Nothing says "I'm better than you" better than cruising the streets on your bike. You can weave in and out of cars, take up entire lanes of traffic, run through red lights, squeeze between buses, and clear sidewalks, all because you're on a bike, and you're awesome. Other added privileges include being able to tell anyone who will listen how eco-friendly cycling is (include statistics and a bar graph for extra impact) and being able to brag to your friends about how you're "in the best shape of your life" now that you're cycling everywhere. So get yourself a bike and an iphone and give yourself a pat on the back, because you've reached the higher ranks now, my friend, and that feeling of superiority is your birthright.*See Note.

*Note: These rules do not apply if you are, have ever been, or have ever considered being the owner of the following: a low rider bike, one of those bikes with the tiny wheels and really high seat, a rickshaw, a unicycle, a bike for hire, any other unnecessary variation of the classic bicycle.

#2. Motorcycle.
With a motorcycle you really can't lose. You have many of the benefits of bike riding (forget about the environment, will you?) but with less effort and much higher speeds. And you look bad ass. Only negative: most certain death. You decide.


#1. Stroller.
Ah. Maze. Ing. Try and think of a better one. I dare you.