Thoroughly Modern Monkeys

I'd like to discuss a very important current affairs issue that has been troubling me for quite sometime. It is a cause that is very dear to my heart because it effects me personally. This issue of course is the uncontrollable epidemic of shouldishakeaphobia (or "the fear of improperly greeting another"). People the world over are destroying first impressions, ruining friendships, going on dates that are D.O.A. all because they can't decide between a full hug, a bro hug, or a chest bump, and end up performing a combination of the three. These situations can be traumatic and life threatening. But as someone who has suffered with this ailment all her life, allow me to take this time to say friends, there is hope. There may never be a definite cure for shouldishakeaphobia but if we all can try to understand this disease, we can learn to cope with it and live our lives without the constant red-faced shame of having gone in for a hug when the other was going for a hand shake and then backed off to handshake while the other stumbled into an unwanted hug. We can beat this! And now that I am a world traveled culturally adept Monkey, I find myself humbly assuming the position of Expert in this particular field. Stay with me while I outline the most popular forms of greetings and attempt to describe the proper circumstances in which they are used.

Let us begin with the simplest and most foolproof greet: The Handshake.

The Handshake is used best when meeting someone for the first time, but will also suffice in the following circumstances: the person is an old acquaintance with whom you are not that close; the person has some personal hygiene issues of which you have been previously made aware; they are your date and she looks great from a distance but you're afraid up close she'll be a dog; the person is your parole officer; you're sealing a deal; you're doing a drug deal; you're 12 years old, having a sleepover party with a friend, you've both just cut your palms with a kitchen knife and are totally promising to be blood brothers and best friends for life (which may not be long because now you've got the hiv); you really hate the other person and you've just had your hand down your pants; the person is your father whom you're meeting for the first time in your life and he looks a bit creepy; the person is your touchy feely uncle who usually grabs your ass when you hug; the person is your gynecologist (...although you know where his/her hands have been all day so avoid contact if possible, same goes for your touchy uncle, now that I think of it). The Handshake is also useful in a situation you are completely unsure of because it can transition quite painlessly into some of the other possible greets, such as...

The Hug. Hugs are nice but lets be honest you better really fucking like the person in order to commit to this much direct contact. If used in conjunction with The Handshake, the Hug should be performed with the arm that is not involved with the Handshake. One tap on the back will constitute a Bro Hug (more on this later) or you can hold it out for a real hug if the other person is not showing signs of desperately trying to pull away.

The Bro Hug. If you are a Bro and you are greeting another Bro, this is the greet for you. Let us take a minute to outline the required steps, so there is no confusion. Step 1: Approach Bro with right hand outstretched and shout something like "Brooooo!" or "Homo!" or "Look at this fuck!" Step 2: Meet hands with the Bro in a slap that moves quickly into a grasp that is the same position you'd assume if you were about to thumb war. Step 3: Left hand reaches around Bro's back where you slap him once and only once (We're not Gay Bro). Step 4: Exit Bro Hug immediately. You don't want anyone to see you engaged in contact for more than 2 seconds. With those 4 easy steps, you can be Broing it up in no time! Unsure if you or the person you're greeting is a bro or not? Stay clam, look around, assess the situation, ask yourself the following: Are you/him wearing a striped American Eagle Polo shirt, a faux vintage tee-shirt with with a pun about beer or sex on it, cargo shorts, or pre-distressed denim? Do you/him always find a way to relate conversation to an episode of South Park? Have you/him ever engaged in a keg stand for more than 20 seconds? Do you/him know the rules of Beer Pong better than the rules of Tic Tac Toe? If any or all of these things are the case, you/him are most likely a Bro. Let the Bro Hugging commence.

Note: A Bro Hug should never under any circumstance be committed by a straight female. Unless she never wants to get laid again.

Let's take a quick break and hear a testimonial!

"Bro Hug Horror Story"
"Hey Bros, My name is F*** S***. As the acting president of Phi Data Alpha Omega Shere Khan, I've done my fair share of bro hugging. In fact, I had pretty much perfected the art. Unfortunately the Bro Hug had become so ingrained in my psyche, it started to take over my life. I was fine for the 8 months out of the year that I was living on campus at U**** and the only people I came in contact with over the age of 22 were my professors. (And that wasn't very often, not gonna lie bro). It was the time spent off campus: Thanksgiving, Christmas, even Summer break, when I began to realize I had a problem. First my grandmother spat out her false teeth when my Bro Hug back slap hit her scoliosis and osteoporosis ridden spine too hard on Christmas Eve. Then my girlfriend at the time dumped my ass after I Bro Hugged her mom when meeting her for the first time. The final straw came when my cousin Jenny filed a restraining order against me when I managed to Bro Hug her 4 month old baby on Easter Sunday. Finally I was able to admit to myself that I needed help. Thanks to the support and advice from TMM, I am now able to regulate my use of the BroHug to an appropriate and controlled manner. Thanks, Bro!"

And thank you, F*** S***!

Now, moving on...

It is finally that time. The time we have all been dreading. The time to discuss the cheek kiss. If you are living in America (or any other country that values personal space above all else) you are fortunate enough to be a part of a society that outlawed the cheek kiss along with terrorism and French foods back in 2000. However if you're an American living in a European society (let's say an English one, for sake of argument), you will feel bemused, bewildered, and utterly bamboozled by the constant onslaught of people launching themselves at your cheek. If you don't learn to except and adhere to this practice you will quickly become less wanted in the country than say, Snoop Dogg or Australians. You must embrace it, and accept the fact that more often than not, you're going to get it wrong. There are so many different variations of the cheek kiss that its almost impossible to be on the same page as the other person. There is instant panic while you decide which cheek to go for first. Do you actually kiss the cheek or just touch cheeks and kiss the air? How many kisses do you do? Do you hug while you cheek kiss? Do men cheek kiss? How familiar should you be with someone before you cheek kiss them? These are all good questions. And fuck if I know the answers.